Music : Jesse McCartney feat Baby Bash - Leavin (Remix)
Mood : Invisible
Have you ever felt like your existence didn’t matter? Just as if you were dead, people would still live normally?
I hold my breath real tight whenever I feel pressured - I can control my emotions better that way - like when everyone’s treating me shitty, or when I unintentionally make someone sad and they abandon me, or when no one cares or pretend they cared. And you just want to close your eyes and forget it all, be in your own world. I bet insanity is a wonderful place - freedom to slap yourself silly, make up stories in your head and befriend imaginary friends (okay that one I got from Cecelia Ahern’s book, called “If You Could See Me Now” .. it’s so beautifully written that you feel like having an Ivan in your life).
I need a good cry. A good long cry.
I’m not so strong after all. It’s tiring being happy when you’re not. It’s tiring having to put a smile on your face when all you want to do is cry. I’m sorry, for whatever reasons that I don’t know. I’m sorry.
In this world, nobody really cares about you anyway. Not even the ones closest to you sometimes. Or they choose not to care because they see things differently from you. They just ask you questions because they think that you want someone to listen. Well, fuck that. I know most don’t fucking care anyway. Why bother to make small talk when you’re not really listening? I guess talking to people is just an escapade from reality. But what if people want to talk about reality? Who do they go to if not their friends?
I guess my life really is like Elizabeth Egan from Cecelia Ahern’s book, except that I’m not a gnirob like her. That’s what Ivan calls her - a reverse of the word boring. Very creative, I must say. Ivan is the imaginary friend, though he doesn’t like to be called imaginary because he’s a real person, except that only people who wants to see him will see him, and he remains invisible to most in the gnirob community, who are adults. But Elizabeth Egan can sense him and eventually see him then fall in love with him. Ivan, who never felt such an affection before, too feels the same way about her. It’s quite sweet how he cares and worries about Elizabeth, how he makes her laugh while answering and asking innocently (which he is), how he stops by the house and brings energy and happiness with him like life is a dream. All his life he had only worked with children, and Elizabeth is his first friend who is as old as him. He’s a professional best friend, out to seek those in need of companion. And at first when he arrived at her house in Baile na gCroithe, he thought his mission was to help her nephew, Luke, since Saoirse (Luke’s mom) most of the time is in her own world and forgets that she has a son. And Saoirse can see Ivan; he never had 3 people sense his presence all at one go before. And suddenly Elizabeth could see him too. And after a while pondering into her life and his own, he finally realised that his mission was to help Elizabeth, not Luke. So gnirob Elizabeth who used to decorate inteors with white and beige, now explores colours, seems like she’s talking to the air, lets her hair down, run in fields and catch and making wishes Jinny Joes (Irish Daisies). I’m still in the middle of the book.. I wonder if it’s a happy ending. I don’t want the book to end :(
I finally had the guts to finish the book, and it was a happy, though bittersweet, ending. I’m not going to spoil for you somemore. You have to read it. I finished 200 pages last night, I laughed aloud to myself in my bedroom, as if I was watching a movie. Of course, the movie was in my head. But I didn’t care. My love/hate relationship with the book made it my all-time favourite book. I declare Cecelia Ahern’s If You Could See Me Now one of my essentials to happiness, just as how the movie Pride and Prejudice is an essential to my happiness. The book that once sent chills down my spine and gave me goosebumps due to talks of imaginary friends and places, now enables me to flip to any page and I’d be happy and still want to read on. In fact, right after I finished reading it, I re-read the first page again and I wanted to re-live the book once more. Only one read, and I remembered all the details there were in the book. Like, how you tell someone “I can read you like a book”, that’s how I say I can read the book like a book, in a non-literal sense, or literal, depends how you see it.
And as I was reading the book, there was already an image of how Ivan would look like. And I’ve found that person who looks perfect in jeans, converse shoes, black hair with a blue cap and an adorably innocent face - Justin Long. I never did like him, but he gave Ivan a face. And if he acted as Ivan for this movie, I’d screaaaam!! :D :D :D *haha, yes I had to put that smiley no matter how I restrain myself to keeping this blog smiley-free* Yes .. I would scream.
I read somewhere that Hugh Jackman is going to star Ivan in the Disney motion picture for this story, but Justin Long will always be my Ivan.
And I don’t know why the song I’m listening to now reminds me so much of Ivan and Elizabeth.
Hey baby girl, I’ve been watching you all day
Man that thing you got behind you is amazing
You make me want to take you out and let it rain
I know you got a man but this is what you should say
Why don’t you tell him that I’m leavin’ never looking back again
You found somebody who does it better than he can
No more making you cry, no more gray skies
Girl we’re flyin on the G5 G5
Maybe there’s a hidden meaning behind all these words, that’s calling out to me. I’m leavin’ never looking back again means more to me actually, because throughout the whole song, only that phrase stands out above the music.
Posted: September 3rd, 2008 under daily, euphoria, obsessions, reads.
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